On Day 194, I’m Edgy

Content Note: sexual violence

That’s an understatement.

On Monday, I’m planning to use EMDR tools to begin working on some new information. The world is on fire, but I’m sticking with the plan.

The new information isn’t actually new – I have attachment challenges, not the least was due to bonding with a substitute caretaker who was a sexual predator. That does tend to skew your capacity to interact with people.

Understanding my attachment issues and processing them appropriately will hopefully lessen my anxiety in general.

This has been something I’ve been working on for awhile. The piece resonating with me is around boundaries. I’m so depleted. I simply cannot be available for venting or intense conversations. I try to be honest when I draw that line, but it’s painful how often I have to reinforce it – almost like being asked “are you ready yet?” Over and over.

I’m not ready. Why do I have to keep saying this over and over?

Working diligently in therapy will help as will doing other work in the world that sustains and nutures me. I find some comfort knowing that I have survived some horrible stuff so I will survive what comes next both personally and as an American. What a weird sentence.

But I get to decide how to regulate my peace of mind, especially when I’m doing all of this intense work. One element of being groomed was the stripping away of my autonomy, the programming that my needs were secondary. Guilt, manipulation, and passive-aggressive tactics were heavily used.

I’m not going to spend the next 50 years living like that. My new path has to focus on healing myself. I’m not going to apologize for this. That cycle has to stop.

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