I really appreciate my friend who sent me a GrubHub gift card in lieu of a casserole. That’s a classy move.

So I’ve just returned home from therapy – it is a difficult bit for me right now so I’m going 2x week now and trying to figure out what has triggered me. I feel like shit, to be honest. My therapist has suggested that we postpone the EMDR treatment and spend some time on more basics to help me get a bit more stable.  I wrote about the diagnosis of complex trauma here. 

This is what trauma does, more specifically – this is what facing and dealing with trauma does. I’m plagued by a lot of horrific memories which I used to be able to just turn off or stuff down. I anticipated Lent would be a bitch for me and that’s proving to be the case.

My main symptom is that I get upset really easily. I weep and cry about the most banal things that in my mind are associated with horrific actual experiences. It isn’t really anxiety or a mood issue, it is my body and brain doing the “knitting work” of getting my memories and feelings and coping mechanisms and survival skills aligned how that are supposed to be. It is actually positive, but painful work.

So I’m going to do what my therapist calls a “hard reset” by avoiding bad stuff or complicated stuff or upsetting (to me) stuff for several days and giving my mind a chance to just catch up with the work. No intense streaming series, no news, no necessarily responding to email/messages, etc. It is a form of self-care to opt out for a few days and just allow myself a chance to breathe and heal.

I’ll still be here, but may not respond to you immediately. I use a scheduling software to share links so you’ll see my social media accounts active as usual but I won’t be jumping in on threads – I’ll just delete problems areas so I can stay focused and be able to once again engage people in a meaningful way when I’m reset.

If you have something you need urgently, your best bet is to text me. If you don’t have my cell phone number, it probably isn’t that urgent.

I’m really hurting, friends. No one talks about trauma so the one good thing I can do right now is be honest about what’s going on and use the words – I am an adult who survived a viciously traumatic childood and young adulthood and here I am trying to build a healthy, meaningful adulthood for myself. Nothing you say bad about my intentions, my fuckedupness, my likeability, my intelligence even touches the terrible things I say to myself. I have to correct that or I’m going to traumatize myself again.

Just for reference, here are the ongoing efforts I should be diligently promoting during this time.

Here are some things that work for me

 

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