Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

CN: child abuse, menstrual/menopausal, dog bite

I cannot do a sit up. I just can’t do it. This proved a challenge on the Presidential Fitness Tests in elementary school. My gym teacher, Mr Kenzel (sp?) was baffled. Year after year, I would strain and try. Classmates would support my back. I was a scrawny kid so I wasn’t able to compensate with other muscles.

What Mr. Kenzel failed to do was recognize it was atypical for a child to have no abdominal strength and report it.

That lack of abdominal strength morphed into dissociation from my abdomen, breast bone to just above my public bone. Obviously, this is tied to the child abuse I experienced. I have some memories that might explain it, but it really never came up.

A few months ago, my neighbor was attacked by two dogs owned by a different neigbor. I was about half a block away from her when I heard her screams. I turned and ran straight toward her, screaming “Help, Help, Help” armed only with my cat colony bag. Time slowed down because I couldn’t run. I could feel my feet in my hiking boots slapping on the street. I wasn’t out of breath, I just couldn’t move my muscles fast.

One of the dogs bit her, but it wasn’t horrible. The owners were horrible.

As a person with trauma, I could have frozen. I did not and I’m glad I tried to help.

That incident convinced me that I needed to do something about my abdominal issues. My therapists were working with me on that end of things, but I needed to do some physical work. I also needed a trauma informed setting versus a yoga class.

Running does require abdominal muscles, but it is not a direct tie. For me, the connection was more of those moments when I dissociated even as I did run. It was time to address that disconnect between my body and my mind.

Googling “abdominal physical therapy” isn’t particularly useful. But it did lead me to the concept of Pelvic Floor Therapy. Then I found that Allegheny Health Network had a PF therapist at the location near my house. I happened to have scripts for PT to address back issues and plantar fasciitis so going to a traditional PT setting seemed smart.

My PCP and I discussed at length. She pointed out that other ways this therapy could help me especially as a 50+ woman who had a hysterectomy. She wrote me the script and I made the call.

In the early days, we did a lot of talking and she used a 3d plastic pelvis to explain things to me. She laid out a plan of action. In her opinion, my back pain was an exacerbated by the pelvic issues. The feet were the feet. She’s very big on hip alignment, claiming it is often the source of most problems.

I do need new shoes, but I can’t afford to replace my sandals, hiking boots, and sneakers all at once. I chose sandals (Ecco) for now. The rest will come. I already had a pair of cheap recovery shoes that the Sarahs recommended – they work well.

She did an external exam I declined the internal exam. She told me what she was doing with her hands each time she touched me. And we began some exercises. One was a little tough for me to figure out so she told me her colleague referred to it a bloom of flowers emerging from my vagina. I laughed, but actually found myself using that when I did the exercise at home.

She assured me that my muscles were responding appropriately, they just needed encouragement.

So my first step is to connect my mind to my abdominal stuff. The goal is to automatically use my core muscles for everyday activities, pay attention when I do, and reconnect those two things. The goal is not to do sit ups or a plank.

I realize it might seem weird that my dissociation is focused on my abdomen instead of my lower pelvis. But trauma is a tricky bastard.

Today was exhausting. Using my mind so actively in physical activity is twice as draining.

Why am I sharing this with you? Because a lot of women my age just endure discomfort that they write off to menopause. Just like we were taught to write off discomfort with our menstrual periods. There is a lot shame. embarrassment, and unnecessary discomfort. You don’t have to accept that you’ll pee when you sneeze or cough. You don’t have to get up 17 times a night to use the bathroom. You can incorporate PT into your hormonal treatment.

It isn’t about losing weight or the incessant “lifestyle change” conversations. Everyone involved – from my therapists to my PCP to the physical therapist has acknowledged that something was done to me when I was a child that led to this disconnect between my mind and body. No one is focused on the scale. Everyone is focused on reconnecting those things so I can be fully present in my own body, no matter my weight.

The memories associated with this particular abuse may or may not resurface. My body keeps the score. If I unlock it, we’ll deal with that. If not, I’ll still be stronger. And, hopefully, not have to pee every 39 minutes.

I suspect most people have never heard of Pelvic Floor Therapy. Or assume it is just related to pregnancy or ‘sever’ incontinence.

Pelvic floor therapy is a specialized physical therapy that strengthens or relaxes the muscles at the base of your pelvis. It treats issues like incontinence, chronic pain, and pregnancy recovery. Treatment includes exercises, biofeedback, and manual therapy to improve core stability, bladder control, and sexual function. That’s the official Johns Hopkins spiel.

The exciting thing today is that I did feel some sensations in my abdomen. That made me weep a bit.

If you have similar symptoms, talk with your healthcare provider about Pelvic Floor Therapy. Most insurances cover it. It won’t hurt to do some googling. You don’t have to endure the same indignities in your post-menstrual years that you did in your 20’s. You deserve better.

I’ll post updates.

My brother found this photo last year. I don’t remember being this enthusiastic about swimming in our pool. It is lovely to have this image. I probably couldn’t due a sit up, but I could hurl myself into the water and let the buoyancy work its magic.