I’ve been home alone for five days. Laura took a much-deserved mini-break with a friend.
I relaxed for two days. I had two events on my calendar. First, a Pride event in New Castle that was lovely.
Unfortunately, I ate a late dinner coupled with heat and not enough water so I was sick most of the night. It’s awful being sick with five wee kittens in the bathroom. But we all survived.
So I just forgot about my second event – a Billy Porter show. And I’m disappointed in myself. I couldn’t do two things in one weekend. I don’t actually know what happened, I never heard from my friend and I was feeling miserable. It just didn’t manifest.
Still, if I had to pick one then showing up for those folks in Lawrence County was hands down more important.
I’m okay with missing the fancy events so I have energy for the community events. I used to feel so bad about myself – adding an extra layer of shame on top of the FOMO. That’s a suffocating way to live.
The truth is that I cannot do it any longer. Its anxiety and trauma and mood disorder and its just me. I didn’t create these facets of my life. The effort to unpack and process them is debilitating.
But at the end of the day, I’d rather be a person who shows up for other people than tries to force myself into public appearances that are not comfortable. If all I can say is “I showed up and didn’t die” that’s not a real accomplishment. To me. Most of the time.
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I think I need to more proactively say “no thank you” to events that are just proving grounds. What do I have to prove at 52?
At New Castle Pride, I could feel the impact of our presence. So I’m going to lean into that.
I don’t want to feel shame for not going to a concert. I don’t want to justify. I walked thru most of my life like that. It’s not fair or decent to heap that upon me now.
My world is much smaller these days and that has to be okay. I’m happy our kittens are thriving and my stomach finally stopped hurting.
The thing that saddens me the most is that no one noticed or reached out or asked how I was doing on my own. There’s a disconnect there that I need to pay attention to. I need connections not experiences.
