On Day 225, I Feel Weary

It has been awhile since I touched base about my mental health. Overall, I’ve been steadily getting more stable since my bout of symptoms in the summer.

I still have the residual effects of lithium poisoning, including unexpected twitches of my arms and legs. My p doc lowered my dose and reintroduced another mood stabilizer I’ve had luck with in the past. Over the coming year, I’ll wean off the lithium altogether – something I knew would happen eventually. I’m fortunate it the was caught before permanent damage to my kidneys so I’m in no position to complain.

My mood isn’t stable yet, but the highs and lows are pretty reasonable given all that’s happening. I’m starting to feel the wear and tear of 225 days of isolating. I miss being in a restaurant so much. I miss people, of course.

One of the most difficult things for me is how many people are lying. They will tell me to my face (or virtual face) that they are being careful, then post photos on Facebook without masks and not socially distancing. They know how much I use social media so surely they realize I will probably see those photos.

The thing is that they are lying, but I’m not sure if it is to me or lying to themselves. I’m unsure if I said “I saw XYZ photos from such and such an event. You weren’t wearing masks or being socially distant so I cannot spend time with you” if they would hear me or if they would use the filter that told them it would be okay in the first place to tune me out.

By the second or third time I’ve caught the lie, I realize I cannot rely on them to be careful not matter what they say.

And that filter is why I don’t trust people. But I also don’t want to hurt them or blow up our friendship – I am sure they have good reasons for whatever is happening in this scenario, but I don’t want to get sick or transmit the virus to someone else. It is a dicey situation with the bottom line being that I’m not going to expose myself.

Fortunately, winter is almost here so there’s scant possibility of being invited to a socially distant outdoor gathering. We can Zoom safely until spring and then see what happens.

So I’m better but struggling still. That’s another reason I keep my distance – I’m super judgmental in this frame of mind. No one needs that.

Speaking of winter, Laura and I have been planning how we are going to occupy ourselves when it is literally just us for like five months straight (no pun intended.)

  • We are making a list of movies we want to see so when that vibe of “I don’t know, what do you want to watch” hits, we can pull out the list and pick whatever is next in line.
  • We are reviewing the board/card game supply and trying to have at least one night where we interact directly with each other rather than with a screen.
  • Going to Starbucks is now a legitimate errand. No need to tack it only something else. Starbucks is one of the few places where we feel safe and interact minimally with yahoo yinzers.
  • We are going to spend at least 30 minutes each weekend on a “project” from the house, be it organizing a cabinet to cleaning out a few boxes in the attic.
  • We are bringing all of our CD box sets of music up to our bedroom and having listening parties.
  • And (maybe) we are going to buy a TV for our bedroom.

The fact that I am hopeful we can accomplish all of this is a good sign about my mental health.



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