Feeling Blue

I’ve been blue. It is medical in nature as most things are, but it has been exacerbated by real life situations. And my main coping/medical strategy is to “hang in there” until some med adjustments kick-in.Blue

I sleep a lot. I haven’t really been eating and I don’t have much to say. I try watching my “go-to” comedies to no avail. And I’m lonely. It feels like the whole world continues to spin without me. And that’s actually true. Life goes on, no matter how unfair that seems.

The Domestic Partner Registry situation was very, very hard on me. One of my anchors in life has been Ledcat and that “official” document meant a lot to me. It wasn’t quite a legal status, but it was something. And then suddenly it was nothing. And a million people told me why my feelings were wrong. Or just never called back. It seems inherently unfair that we had to seek a lawyer’s advice to get the City to do right by their employees.

But that’s the way it goes – the world keep spinning.  And I haven’t the energy to fight this battle right now.

Loneliness is a bitch – the longer it hangs around, the more difficult it is to shake.

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” well intentioned people say. But you aren’t going to ask. When you are down, the default is “no” (maybe “no thank you.”)

“Let’s have coffee,” people offer. Except it’s a holiday weekend so could it maybe wait until Tuesday or Wednesday?

There are kids and work and commitments, plus I really do sleep a lot these days and its just so hard to fit it together.

This is a bump in a road that’s been otherwise going well. My doctor is out of town so that’s a barrier to a real solution but its working itself out.

But it does tie together.

Because of the Domestic Partner Registry, I have access to the best insurance possible. I can afford my meds, stay with my therapist and find a doctor.I have good primary care, etc. The lingering fear that UPMC is going to rip that away from me is palpable.So to have the entire rug pulled out from underneath me was a deep betrayal.

Today the City accounced their compromise –  we can switch to Health America and access UPMC. Gee whiz. But heck we are still back at getting our Domestic Partner Registry certificate. Sigh. We should just hire Tim O’Brien to deal with the entire discriminatory mess including allegations that dependants are going to be dumped into Obamacare and this whole charade is a cover for the residency requirement.

It isn’t easy to talk about being down, blue or depressed. Or anything else related to mental health. But when politicians and bureaucrats are playing games with your lives, you have to speak out and you have to ask for help and support to do that.


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