Proud of My June

Well, it seems that I’ve arrived at the end of June without a significant depressive episode – a rarity for me. I don’t know why June is always a tough month for me, but the data tracks. A few days ago, I wasn’t sure I’d be standing in this moment today on June 30. I […]

Pride Anxiety

Pride Anxiety

Today is Pride. We had plans to go with a friend to see the parade and walk around the festival. Then the thoughts crept into my mind. Last night, I was fretting about the hill we’d have to walk up from our car to the festival. What if I couldn’t climb the hill? What if […]

And Spring Depression Cometh …

I’ve blogged many times about my reverse seasonal mood disorders – elevated in the fall, low in the spring. We are not so oldWe have miles to goWe will take it slowAs the years unfoldThat’s a lot to know. This past week, my mood began to dip. Some of this was due to increasing my […]

This Will Get Better for Some of Us: Day 174

CN: depression, suicide I woke up this morning from that thick fog of nightmares, the sort you have to physically wade yourself free from without succumbing to the false awakenings. I pulled my groggy subconscious free from traumatic images and experiences and sat up in bed with a start. As I sat there reorienting myself […]

When I Was Toxic

When I was Toxic

I’ve been chronicling my struggle mental illness symptoms this spring and summer. Ten days ago, I was telling myself that I was coming out of it. I wasn’t so deeply depressed. I didn’t feel hypomanic. But I didn’t feel great. I was incredibly bitchy and mean. I was super frustrated at my inability to find […]

A Mental Health Crisis Wrapped in the Middle of a Pandemic While the People Rise Up

Content Note: bipolar disorder, suicide data, coronavirus Since late April, I have been miserably immersed in a mental health crisis – first, hypomania and then, depression. For more than two months, I have been very ill and struggling to slog through it. It has been nasty, wrapping entrails around me to distort my thoughts, trigger […]

Depression and leaving me home with the dog

Content Note: depression, bipolar disorder, trauma The past few days have been rough as I struggle through this depression. Very tough, painful and scary tough. The sort of symptoms where other people walk away because my pain and anguish are so big. And I can’t blame them. It is like these intense feelings are pounding […]

Depression renders user unhelpful

Content note: mental health, depression After three weeks of hypomania, I’m now entering my second week of depression. I’m safe and have resources and all that. But I’m miserable. I can’t be helpful to anyone right now. I’m struggling to focus on and understand political nuances that I typically would grasp. I feel quite bad […]

Pandemic Depression

Content Note: depression, suicide, racial injustice I’m depressed. Yes, in the existential dread of a pandemic sort of way. Duh. But my three week bout of hypomania turned the corner into depression. I am grateful to be moving through my symptoms toward a stable mood, but depression ain’t fun. The transition was bumpy. I bounce […]

Welcoming Depression

Content Note: depression, mania, These past few days of hypomania have been brutal. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and two appointments with my therapist. We decided to increase one of my current meds, understanding it won’t kickin for a week. I just could not relax or feel anything but tension. For three weeks. […]