Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

It takes a certain degree of cruelty to kick someone when they are down. Not a tentative poke with the tip of your shoe. Not even a big, powerful kick to the abdomen that hurts, but is soon over.

Rather a series of small to medium kicks, similar to the thud of a bored child swinging their feet against a railing or pew. It takes a minute to orient yourself to the sound, then try to ignore it. Inevitably you struggle to separate the irritation of the sound from the annoyance of the repetition. As you respond with a pointed look or a nod of your head, the child stops. For awhile. Then they start again because they are a child and either don’t have or can’t access tools to manage their feelings in that moment – boredom, annoyance, disappointment, whatever.

The ire builds until one or both of you give in and the feet driving the shoe energy are removed from the situation.

One of the people stalking me – my stalker – has reemerged. He’s taking advantage of my current vulnerability. And I think he is escalating.

There are four major categories of stalking – surveillance, life invasion, intimidation,and interference. This information comes from the Stalking Prevention Awareness and Resource Center (SPARC)

• Surveillance – watching and gathering information
• Life Invasion – showing up in the victim’s life without the victim’s consent. Excessive contact, showing up, spreading rumors, and/or sending gifts.
• Intimidation – various acts of threats or blackmail
• Interference – using sabotage or attack strategies.

What I am experiencing is a Life Invasion, essentially showing up digitally in my spaces. They use gifts to get my attention. That seems benign – gifts. But this is a gift I have specifically said I don’t want. Repeatedly violating my boundary is not benign. Repeatedly giving gifts is not a criminal offense.

An example that does not apply in my case would be repeatedly leaving bouquets of flowers or having flowers delivered. The victim has to deal with the physical flowers, read the card to check for concerning language, wonder if the stalker is nearby watching the delivery/receipt of the flowers, update everyone in their household and safety plan, and manage all of the stuff that goes through our heads to minimize the situation “its just flowers” “I can use them for something else like giving to my neighbor or the compost pile” “its not like he’s threatening me with a gun” “he’s just sad/lonely” “maybe he’ll stop if …<insert action>”

They can’t just toss the flowers and go about their day. It is rarely safe to do that.

I am well aware this person reads my blog. They have recently escalated their invasions so I’ve done a few things.

First, I have a solid safety plan with multiple people in my support network.

Second, I am taking steps to reinforce the ‘no gifting’ boundary.

Finally, I am writing this blog post. Now all of you know this is a concern, even if you don’t have the details. If you notice anything amiss involving me – say something. I know this person reads my blog. Unfortunately, that may reinforce their belief that I am acknowledging/paying attention/lifting his attempts to get my attention. I can’t help what he believes, but he’s also smart enough to know that YOU know. The more people looking out for me the better.

I’ve made it clear that I am vulnerable right now. I am seeking donations to help with my legal and living expenses. It is a great way to kick me – I asked for it, right? Everyone please help me with money. Except him. That’s actually not radical. A public facing project does not mean the organizer cannot set boundaries.

Like the flower recipient, I have to deal with it. I have to make sure the escalation is monitored. I have to update my network and my plan. I have to keep scrupulous receipts. All of this extra noise and distraction when I am doing something that’s hard. It is intentional and it is wrong.

But after 12+ years, I know it won’t stop. It is not illegal. At some point, I’ll have enough evidence to file a civil harassment charge. That could open the door to subpoenas. He doesn’t want that, I’m sure.

The worst thing is that I have more than one stalker. Different spaces, different methods. But it weighs on me. My therapists and the folx at the stalking counseling center have told me it is not my fault, it is a product of being so visible and having a higher profile than most. That helps and it doesn’t. But that’s for another post.

This is one of my favorite songs. It was written about the band’s experiences with recording studios, but it has been reclaimed as an anthem about harassment.