Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

Today, my GoFundMe reached the halfway mark – $20,000. Obviously, that means the goal is $40,000. For now.

It means a great deal to me that you continue to support me, to help with legal and living expenses. Life is really hard right now, but I do find moments of joy and satisfaction.

My friends show up with food, rides, companionship, invite me to spend time with their families, help me with pet food pantry tasks, call me every week, introduce me to new opportunities like the over 50 learning opportunities at Pitt, pass along magazines, pay for a streaming subscription to PBS, share my blog posts, and more. Stablizing my life in these ways helps me cope with the destabilizing factors that I never saw coming.

I am struggling, let’s not mince words. But for now, things are okay.

When I hired my first lawyer, she warned me not to expect justice or that wrongs would be righted. We would find the best path forward and protect my interests. Those are different things.

When I hired my second lawyer for the federal case, he told me that there were two types of positive outcomes – changing the system, even a little, and money. He was direct with me that holding people or corporations accountable meant a settlement that might make them rethink their actions. Nothing else would.

The judicial system is a system after all. It is not remotely like we see in mass media, but it is also very much shaped by Western values, legal and otherwise. It is also underfunded, understaffed, and colliding with people during their worst moments. So there are realities about ‘fairness’ that require us to step outside our personal point of view and think about the big picture. That’s not easy which is why we have lawyers advising and advocating for us, but we also have judges with their own perspective.

Their directness has been helpful for me when I feel despondent. Because like many of us, I want someone to fix what went wrong. To hit a reset button back to July 2023 and undo the damage, the trauma, and the pain. That cannot happen. It wouldn’t actually be helpful.

Their directness motivated me to take a look at settlements, insurance caps, and recent cases. I gained a sense that there would not be a multi-million payout or a million or even six figures. I crunched the numbers and realized I am quite likely to end up without enough to support myself or even have adequate housing.

I’m also motivated by the possibility of losing this blog.

There is no amount of money that would make me whole again. It would not help me trust people, it would not reduce my anxiety around the police, it would not give me back six months of my life. No amount will repair my fear of driving in cars with men. My tears will not be replenished, my indignities eased.

Money is necessary though.

I’ve tapped into every possible asset to stand up for myself. I have very little left beyond my personal items and I’d sell them if I could/had to, but I doubt they’d raise much. I have one Roth IRA left for about $5,000 and some minor jewelry to sell – nothing sentimental. And then I’d sell the blog. I hope it doesn’t come to that.

I can only hope at this point to be able to sustain myself based on my share of assets from18 years in a committed relationship and on Allegheny County holding itself accountable for the harm they caused. What are the odds?

I’ve turned my attention to the other outcome – changing the system. I’m a social worker who looks at how things break down, identifies gaps, and loops in the folx interested in addressing both. It is both noble in terms of helping other people and ignoble because I do it to keep my own head from exploding due to lack of agency.

And I’ve identified a lot of potential gaps to be addressed. People in crisis need resources to navigate things. That’s how the courts ended up with a playroom for Family Court. That’s how there are volunteer counselors to help people navigate the PFA process. Someone saw a need and did something about it.

Discovery is coming. Filing fees, data analysis, transcription costs, subpoenas, etc.

But for now, just a thank you. Thank you for donating, for investing in me and my work.

Thank you for showing up for me, with me.

You can also donate via Venmo @Pghlesbian and Paypal.me/Pghlesbian and via Zelle sitnscoop@gmail.com