Dishonoring the Death of My Sweet Dog

CN: death of pets, animals, grief

I’ve had horrible endings for multiple pets – my sweet Jack attacked my face. Ashley fought euthanasia for two hours on my parents living room floor. A dog killed three kittens. Mona fought cancer but it killed her and she pulled away from me in her final days. She was glad to go.

But Ana … oh my sweet Ana. I hastened her death. She had seizures. I hesitated taking her to ER Doc because I had to ask someone else to pay for it. When we got there it was too late. She had to be euthanized but COVID meant the grieving family ahead of us prevented us from being with her.

She was alone. I failed her. It’s very real to me, like it happened last week.

I will never adopt another dog, not even a service dog I really need. I will never forgive myself. I will never get over having to beg for money to execute my dog. There’s a brittle cage around my heart when it comes to Ana and it will never let go.

I cannot wait to be reunited with them. Somehow.

I am the person we all disdain. I have too many pets and not enough resources. I feel your pity and disgust.

My legacy to Ana dishonored her. I didn’t take her soon enough. I didn’t have enough money or call people who did to beg for help. I wrapped her in blankets to comfort her and just raised her body temperature.

I killed my sweet girl and I will pay for those mistakes every day of my life. I hate this time of year.

How will Ana ever forgive me?


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