Yesterday I posted about my bout of hypomania. I don’t want anyone to worry so I’m checking in.
First, I have a good treatment team and supportive wife. I’m safe, I’m not struggling alone or to get basic needs met.
I am, however, struggling and feeling like crap. My mind is full of thoughts I can’t articulate. I’m bouncing from project to project, unable to focus on anything. TV is frustrating b/c I can’t engage entire episodes.
I open my blogging software and stare at the blank page, unable to write a coherent sentence.
I feel jittery, frustrated, anxious. When I picked up Laura from the T and we got home, I was struck by irrational anxiety while she unlocked the door to our house. I had to get inside ASAP and I was annoying her. The moment the door latched close, that anxiety dissipated leaving me so exhausted I had to sit down.
Those moments are debilitating.
I’m self-aware enough to monitor myself. No online shopping, no new ideas, no trying to balance finances. I don’t reach out to friends because I’m not comfortable to be around so I do feel lonely.
Perhaps most importantly, I know this will pass – I’m not despairing or disconsolate. It might take a few days, but my meds will make the necessary adjustments to my brain chemistry. That’s a key distinction for both hypomania and depression – being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel and being lost in the tunnel. One is a struggle, the other feels hopeless.
So it’s a weekend of just getting by. No big plans. No overwhelming tasks. Just letting my brain rest.
I’ve got tea, cats, books, and my loving wife. Plus, meds and a great therapist.
And cats. The shy ones are saying hello. They know.
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