Hello. Welcome to my blog, Pittsburgh Lesbian Correspondents. I’m participating in BlogHer’s “NaBloPoMo” during October as a writing exercise. Things you should know: I’m a lesbian, I live in Pittsburgh, my partners of 10+ years is known as Ledcat and we have a slew of pets. October is also my birthday month so it can get a little angsty around here – forgive me or bear with me as I work through that.
The prompt from BlogHer: What is your favourite thing about autumn?
On a superficial level – pumpkin spice latte, crunchy leaves I don’t have to rake, sweaters, Halloween decorations, etc. And oh yeah – my birthday on October 22.
But for me the best thing about autumn has never materialized – it was the anticipation of rebirth, recreation, a redo, or even a reset button. I literally “fell” for that hope, that fantasy year after year. Maybe if I could figure out the right clothes to wear to school, this year I won’t be bullied. Maybe if I embraced the darkness (literally) and started listening to Morissey, I would understand my jumbled thoughts. Maybe when I went to college, it would all be different.
Even as I write this, I’m making a mental list of things I’m going to do DIFFERENTLY this fall – I will get those decorations up, I will go to a costume party in a costume, I will clean out the attic. Even though I have a concussion and a strained lower back that both suggest I won’t be doing any major tasks soon. Sigh.
But the thing I’ve always looked forward to and typically find disappointing is my birthday – I’ve always had this huge expectation that on that one day, I’m going to feel special. And that will somehow transform my entire sense of self-esteem. Care to plan that party, eh?
Mind you, I’ve had plenty of perfectly nice birthdays and some great ones. But they don’t transform anything. What I end up doing is saying that I somehow did it wrong and raising the bar even further the following year. I can’t find the words to describe what I want or hope to experience on that day. But I suspect that no one else is falling down on the job, I’m falling inside myself.
So this year my answer is simple – pumpkin spice latte. I’ve already had three. So by lowering my expectations, I can enjoy what actually happens and stop trying to recreate the “perfect autumn” from those ridiculous YA novels I read in the 1980’s. I’m also going to enjoy my “birthday freebies” with my friends and Ledcat. That’s easy enough.
One of the most useful things about this exercise is the chance to examine a problem or a challenge and make a plan.