The Death of Billy Miller Due To Bipolar Depression is Important

I will always remember Billy Miller, an actor who recently died from suicide while struggling with bipolar depression. He was 43. Miller was an actor, mostly known for his complicated character soap opera roles. Most notably, he played Billy Abbott on The Young & The Restless and then both Jason Morgan and Drew Cain on […]

Mental Health Check-In

Today, my therapist and I did a symptom review where we ‘sorted’ my current and very recent symptoms into three categories: Anxiety, Depression, and Hypomania. Then we looked at the intersection of these symptoms, this sorting, with my trauma symptoms. I was struggling to distinguish between Anxiety and Hypomania, so she literally created a divide […]

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Last week, friends set up a meal train for us to help me with my struggle to eat. It has been a lovely resource and quite effective. Dinner is handled most nights giving Laura a bit of breathing room with all the home stuff she has to manage in addition to her job and all […]

This Will Get Better for Some of Us: Day 174

CN: depression, suicide I woke up this morning from that thick fog of nightmares, the sort you have to physically wade yourself free from without succumbing to the false awakenings. I pulled my groggy subconscious free from traumatic images and experiences and sat up in bed with a start. As I sat there reorienting myself […]

When I Was Toxic

When I was Toxic

I’ve been chronicling my struggle mental illness symptoms this spring and summer. Ten days ago, I was telling myself that I was coming out of it. I wasn’t so deeply depressed. I didn’t feel hypomanic. But I didn’t feel great. I was incredibly bitchy and mean. I was super frustrated at my inability to find […]

This week, I turned a curve (I hope) and began to emerge from a ten week struggle with symptoms of bipolar disorder. First, I was hypomanic followed by a nasty depressive episode and wrapped up with a bout of a mixed state fusing depression with irritability and anxiety through my various mood statuses. During a […]

A Mental Health Crisis Wrapped in the Middle of a Pandemic While the People Rise Up

Content Note: bipolar disorder, suicide data, coronavirus Since late April, I have been miserably immersed in a mental health crisis – first, hypomania and then, depression. For more than two months, I have been very ill and struggling to slog through it. It has been nasty, wrapping entrails around me to distort my thoughts, trigger […]

Depression renders user unhelpful

Content note: mental health, depression After three weeks of hypomania, I’m now entering my second week of depression. I’m safe and have resources and all that. But I’m miserable. I can’t be helpful to anyone right now. I’m struggling to focus on and understand political nuances that I typically would grasp. I feel quite bad […]

Pandemic Depression

Content Note: depression, suicide, racial injustice I’m depressed. Yes, in the existential dread of a pandemic sort of way. Duh. But my three week bout of hypomania turned the corner into depression. I am grateful to be moving through my symptoms toward a stable mood, but depression ain’t fun. The transition was bumpy. I bounce […]

Saturday hypomania during pandemic

Content note: bipolar disorder, hypomania, alcohol, pandemic Saturday, I woke up very early again, struggling to breathe. Lots of fire pits roaring these nights so the air is heavy near our homes. I grab my inhaler and sore throat spray to quiet the coughing. I fall back asleep after lots of breathing exercises to keep […]