This Will Get Better for Some of Us: Day 174

CN: depression, suicide I woke up this morning from that thick fog of nightmares, the sort you have to physically wade yourself free from without succumbing to the false awakenings. I pulled my groggy subconscious free from traumatic images and experiences and sat up in bed with a start. As I sat there reorienting myself […]

When I Was Toxic

When I was Toxic

I’ve been chronicling my struggle mental illness symptoms this spring and summer. Ten days ago, I was telling myself that I was coming out of it. I wasn’t so deeply depressed. I didn’t feel hypomanic. But I didn’t feel great. I was incredibly bitchy and mean. I was super frustrated at my inability to find […]

This week, I turned a curve (I hope) and began to emerge from a ten week struggle with symptoms of bipolar disorder. First, I was hypomanic followed by a nasty depressive episode and wrapped up with a bout of a mixed state fusing depression with irritability and anxiety through my various mood statuses. During a […]

A Mental Health Crisis Wrapped in the Middle of a Pandemic While the People Rise Up

Content Note: bipolar disorder, suicide data, coronavirus Since late April, I have been miserably immersed in a mental health crisis – first, hypomania and then, depression. For more than two months, I have been very ill and struggling to slog through it. It has been nasty, wrapping entrails around me to distort my thoughts, trigger […]

Depression renders user unhelpful

Content note: mental health, depression After three weeks of hypomania, I’m now entering my second week of depression. I’m safe and have resources and all that. But I’m miserable. I can’t be helpful to anyone right now. I’m struggling to focus on and understand political nuances that I typically would grasp. I feel quite bad […]

Pandemic Depression

Content Note: depression, suicide, racial injustice I’m depressed. Yes, in the existential dread of a pandemic sort of way. Duh. But my three week bout of hypomania turned the corner into depression. I am grateful to be moving through my symptoms toward a stable mood, but depression ain’t fun. The transition was bumpy. I bounce […]

Saturday hypomania during pandemic

Content note: bipolar disorder, hypomania, alcohol, pandemic Saturday, I woke up very early again, struggling to breathe. Lots of fire pits roaring these nights so the air is heavy near our homes. I grab my inhaler and sore throat spray to quiet the coughing. I fall back asleep after lots of breathing exercises to keep […]

More pandemic, more hypomania

Content Note: bipolar disorder, trauma I woke up this morning around 9 AM with a start, as if I had been ripped from another time and place. I felt the blood coursing through my veins. It was almost thumping. My chest hurt, a fusion of despair and desperation to get going on some unspecified goal. […]

Bipolar hypomania during a pandemic

I’ve been hypomanic for nearly two weeks. My therapist knows, my psychiatrist knows, my partner knows. Most importantly of all, I know. I know why I feel this bad, I’m not in denial. I’m not enjoying the creative edge. I’m not resisting treatment. But I’m already in treatment and on medication. They may be able […]

The Destructive Creativity of Hypomania

I am what some call bipolar. Bipolar is not a respectful way to describe my disorder or identity. I have bipolar disorder. I live with bipolar disorder. It is part of me, but shortening a diagnosis to a single word is not efficient or effective. It’s just lazy. Don’t describe anyone as ‘bipolar’ I was […]