Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

It is true that middle-aged women are invisible in many spaces, at least those I occupy. I literally take up 225 lbs and 5’3″ of space, but that is compacted and impacted until my body remains but my essence is this small overlooked thing.

One example is how I rushed, crammed, fit in, scheduled, rescheduled, pushed back, or just ignored in a planning process. It could be a major legal issue or a minor event issue, but I can’t get eyes on me to do the work. I’m here to do the work, but I don’t want to rush. The work takes the time it takes. If you cannot find that time, don’t fake it – don’t commit to time you do not have and cannot invent. If I need 30 minutes at noon and you can give me 15 minutes at 4 PM, say that. How else will I know?

So many conversations these days begin with people explaining how busy they are, how overwhelmed, how many commitments they have until they say “And how are you?” or “What can I do for you?” Well, the prelude of your priorities has made it very clear that I’m not going to ask you or tell you what I need. I fit into this small space where I get to listen to you and you get to pretend you’ll help me, but really we’ll do this dance again in two weeks or a month.

I am ignored, my boundaries are ignored. I say “we need to spend 30 minutes on this work” and they don’t call or answer or follow up, so I cut bait and move on. Then they chase me. I’m supposed to wait until they acknowledge me – how dare I set a boundary and say no? If they were middle aged they would understand that a red flag in the planning process is a red flag in the execution steps.

Once I’ve said “no” it is not my problem any longer. You can ask me in the future, sure, but you need to prove to me that it won’t be a rinse, repeat situation.

Once I’ve said “no” everyone sees me or rather sees the gap where I was and won’t be moving forward. Who will fill that gap? Who will do the work if the invisible middle aged women don’t mind their place in the world?

It isn’t just men. I’ve tried to contact community organizers who identify as queer or nonbinary about supporting their work and they also want to fit me into their box – I must use this communication tool, I must show up, I must do all of these things THAT I DID TWO DECADES AGO to merit acknowledgment. If I choose not to, I am part of the problem.

It can be people who love me, too. I am going through a terrible experience now on top of really awful experiences in the past. Telling me “I have it bad, too” is certainly not seeing me. You are dimming my light to brighten your own. Why not just tell me you’d like to talk about some things going on in your life? It is not a competition, but holding your woes up against mine doesn’t help anyone. It just makes me cranky and once again having to make myself small and not have big hard difficult feelings.

People bump into me more often in public now, like they literally don’t see me. I’ve been denied service , denied companionship, denied respect.

People ignore me. I send an email or text of DM and they just don’t answer it. Maybe they don’t want to say no. So they say nothing. Should I speak louder? Or should I not say the things that cause the silence?

Today, I pulled out of a planned pet food drive because I was tired of chasing other people for information. As soon as I read the words “I’m rushing” in a text message, I was done. Boom. You aren’t doing me any favors here by texting me. You’ve got other priorities, that’s clearly fine. But don’t condescend to me. Or reduce me. Set a boundary that is respectful and clear.

Or I will.

The other space where I feel invisible is asking for sober spaces. Not invisible so much as beaten down like a timid rabbit because I suggested the most controversial thing ever and accused everyone who imbibes of ill-intent and OMG. This then turns into “let’s organize a family event” as if you need children around to be sober. Weird. Also very much erasure.

Sober spaces lend themselves to less sexual harassment and assault. Maybe women who have been in social spaces with adults and alcohol make that connection and prioritize the safety of our bodies over the sanctity of your shot glass.

The final way people will reduce me is taking what I write here as an indictment of them personally rather than my capacity to absorb and analyze 54 years of experiences into my writing. Maybe if you see yourself here it isn’t simply because I’m passive-aggressive. Maybe it is because I’m using my space that I pay for to explore my own experiences. Or maybe a lot of people erase middle aged woman and I just caught on.

My solution is to take it case by case. Being invisible has its perks. You can be sneaky. You can use your purse and coat to take up space. You can always find someone who needs a volunteer or a project that needs a hand. You can start your own projects. You can just take up your space and let other people deal with the fallout.

If they can fit it into their schedules …