Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

“I may not always love you”

As I move through the transformation of a divorce, I am humbled that I can look back at the past 20+ years and find those exquisite aching moments of happiness, joy, and beauty.

Music is a language my spouse shared with me. She helped me level up from pop standards to a wide array of artists, sources, and inspiration. We saw live shows, we spent many Sunday evenings listening to reruns of the Casey Kasem Billboard Hits from the 1970s.

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me

But perhaps the best gift she ever gave me was reintroducing me to The Beach Boys and Brian Wilson. She told me his story, weaving in and out of the intricacies of his ‘rivalry’ with the Beatles, and rejoicing at his comeback. We saw him together here in Pittsburgh, perhaps through blog tickets.

Then we saw Love & Mercy in 2014 which alternated between his genius years and his struggle to find appropriate mental health care decades later. It was sobering and beautiful.

As a person with chronic mental illness, the movie’s depiction of Brian being essentially held hostage by a terrible psychiatrist was tempered when his loyal housekeeper and his girlfriend TRIED to help him. It required his brother to actually legally protect him, but these women faced down a violent, evil man. It is the everyday supporters who find strength when they embrace love and mercy.

Can you imagine being a car saleswoman trying to get in touch with a Wilson brother over the telephone and convince him that his estranged brother needs help?

I loved that they saved him and he went on to live 35+ years creatively and with his family. I love that for him. It wasn’t perfect, but he was freed to do what he loved most because of these women.

God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows

And I am grateful for how learning the language of music has reinvigorated me. Regardless of all that turns bitter between us, I will always be glad for incorporating music into my own language. For learning more about Prince, Michael Jackson, and hundreds of alt new bands. Watching the Kennedy Honors, countless concerts, but mostly just the quiet moments.

I’ll remember driving down a road then up another, winding through the region listening to that exquisite song with a profound new understanding of the genius and madness of Brian Wilson.

God only knows where I’d be without the past 20 years.

“If there’s not love present, it’s much, much harder to function. When there’s love present, it’s easier to deal with life.” – Brian Wilson, 2004, CNN Interview