I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes

Nothing worse than feeling like a fool.

I’ve saved up all year to be able to buy a laptop. A new laptop, not just a new-to-me laptop. When you live on Social Security disability benefits, this is not an easy feat. But I knew that as much as truly love my little Chromebook, it wasn’t going to go the long haul with me.

I have two other gently used laptops. One was a gift, but the software was proprietary so it doesn’t update and no longer works – think ‘blue screen of death’ scenario. The other is a HP Beats that I love because it was previously owned by a creator. Cat hair overwhelmed the cooling unit, something a friend’s son offered to fix and simply couldn’t.  My computer replacement part was caught in shipping quagmires long before your holiday gifts.

So I decided to take the plunge and buy my very own computer with the features I liked.

The features I liked part is where it all went wrong.

I asked some reliable knowers for feedback, Now usually I would go to a site that I know – HP, Dell, Best Buy. But someone made a casual comment about using off brand sites instead of being an “old person” who can only shop name brand. That stung a little bit. So when a good deal on the computer I thought I wanted popped up at newegg.com, I was thrilled. And I pounced.

Fast forward to delivery day. I opened it and excitedly set it up only to realize the back-lit keypad was not working. I searched help files, videos, tutorials, and finally asked the company. Turns out I had read “chiclet” as “backlit” and that is not correct. I made a mistake and it has proven costly.

So I need a backbit keyboard because I’m 51 with poor eyesight. I also have to adapt from the Chromebook keyboard to the larger more conventional one, resulting in lots of hunting and pecking. And frankly I like the feature. I like the comfort of the warm glow emanating from the keypads, especially when I am writing a memorial post.

Unfortunately, the site I chose to buy the wrong computer has a 15% restocking fee plus return shipping. And, of course, the holiday sales are almost over. So nearly 20% less of my original savings puts me back in the range of the Chromebook I already have. Sigh. Well that’s silly.

To be clear – this is all on me. I let my wounded ego about being lumped in with old computer shoppers guide my purchase. I must have a 17 inch screen because of my eyesight. And I did not properly research chiclets keyboards. I did not follow my intuition and fall back on old standbys. I can’t blame anyone. Just myself.

But I am also admittedly crushed. It has been a helluva year. I really hoped having a brand new to-my-specifications if simple tool to launch into my 17th year of blogging would help me find renewed energy and insight. That is what I need – not the laptop, the infusion of self-reliance and something new.

So here I sit on December 8, 2021 – my throat was stretched without my consent and hurts like a mf now, leaving me feeling utterly betrayed by my own healers. My community project is not going as well as I had hoped leaving me feeling I’ve betrayed my friends and comrades. The stockings and Xmas tree at the cat colony were askew yesterday leaving me worried that my fancifulness has endangered my cats. My mother-in-law has been mocking me slyly for a few months, leaving me feeling wounded and concerned for her. We bought a Christmas tree that sits in the living room with no lights, no ornaments, no water and it leaves me cold as do the other holiday decorations I haven’t put out.

Every year, I try to control this season and feel something special even if I have to force it. Buying a laptop within that annual struggle was clearly a foolish idea. It is not something I can manage on top of the medical situation. My throat hurts day and night, there’s no one to call except those who did this to me. Fat chance. It was supposed to only be a mild sore throat on the day of  the procedure, not heading into 72 hours of actual pain. I didn’t think the comfort of food and drink could be any further removed from me than this past year, but I was wrong – now I can literally not consume the small bits I do want. Pouring water down your throat without gulping is not easy.

If you want to help me and you don’t happen to own a laptop shop, you can perhaps adopt a cat caretaker and ease my mind a bit that we’ll make our goal.

I’m going to do a factory reset, send it back, collect my bits of money, and be very grateful for my Chromebook. Then I can use the leftover funds to repair my old laptops and see if I can get something working. And start saving again.

Still, I’m not sure how to repair me. So I think I’ll just close my eyes for a bit and let it hurt.

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