Day 135 of the Quarantine

There’s nothing particularly notable about 135 days or about 4.3 months.

Four months made up a semester, give or take. It is longer than a season by one month. It is almost half a human pregnancy. The typical duration of Kennywood being open.

It is the length of time it took for 4.59+ million Americans to be officially diagnosed. That same amount of time it has taken for 155,000+ Americans to die. That we know of.

For us, this particular day is a bit atypical in that my partner is officially on vacation from her working at home job. We’ve been laughing about what that looks like. But most days seem strangely typical now.

She still gets up first, showers, gets herself ready for work. I try to get myself ready fast enough to be out of the kitchen quickly. I stick to the living room and upstairs while she is working. My days are structured around exposure conditioning sessions with the foster cats, scooping cat boxes, and taking a daily nap.

Twice a week, I have teletherapy and on Tuesdays, we have a Zoom session with our personal trainer. The only other places we routinely go are to Giant Eagle curbside, Target curbside, Walgreens, and Starbucks.It feels like a big deal when I have to drive her into her office.

It is a big deal because our survival depends, in part, on the choices made by other people. That’s terrifying. As a queer woman, i don’t generally feel good about relying on the good will of others to not rape me or harass me, so good will isn’t a sufficient standard.

We are basically fine because of our privilege and because growing up in traumatic environments gave us lots of skills around navigating a hostile environment. Also, we are not fine for the same reasons.

I’m so tired of living with even more dread and worry. I’m tired of scanning every face I see to look for masks and calculate my options if there is no mask. I’m tired of eating the same foods because we trust three restaurants. I’m tired of our kitchen being a portable office, although I am more grateful that she’s working from home.

I am busy with the Pittsburgh MasQUe ProjecT. I am bored out of my mind. I pour through social media to check on my friends all day long. I miss my friends.

I try to use the time constructively, while trying not to set goals like it’s a summer break. Survival is a goal. We are not sick. That is an accomplishment. It is okay to stay focused on survival or live day-to-day.

We made ice cream today. Dog goes to vet tomorrow. Earlier this week, I packed a bag of clothes to donate and cleaned out a dresser. These aren’t accomplishments so much as touchstones to differentiate the days. I’m watching Hanna on Prime, The Great on Hulu, and Hollywood on Netflix. I watch the local news, a half hour of national news and then Joy Reid and Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. I watch AM Joy on the weekends.Magazines are piling up on the coffee table. I’m reading the second novel in a Swedish detective series featuring Irene Huss.I registered for my mail-in-ballot.

I am scared.

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