The Candy Man Can? Martin Schmotzer’s Non-Apology

So … the post office got back to me.  More on that later.

Martin Michael Schmotzer (M&Ms?) probably got wind of the fact that his opponents are passing this blog post around. By that, I don’t mean the other candidates, but the somewhat rabid people in the South Hills who seem to truly detest M&Ms for stealing $50,000 in taxpayer money and wanting to come back for more access to bigger piles of money. I guess they don’t think repaying the money and then running for state office without a criminal trial in between is the way to go.

I know, I know. In Pennsylvania, we like to drag state politicians in to criminal court so perhaps there’s some divine justice in here somewhere.

Not for Manchester. M&Ms responded to my request for an apology (yeah, I wasn’t polite) with a typical non-apology that only reinforces how much money must be stuffed up his rear to win this damn election b/c he essentially told me to fuck-off.

Maybe I’m reading between the lines.

Ms. Kerr,

I do apologize for any inconvenience and any disrespect, none was intended.  I have owned property on the North Side and I do love the area and the neighborhoods like you do.

If elected, I do promise very constructive constituent services and will be very willing to assist you with any issues that may arise.

Thank you for your time and Have a Happy Easter.


Marty Schmotzer



Seriously, who actually says things like “I do apologize for any inconvenience … ” You know who says that?  This guy


I can’t think of enough ways to judge him. Inconvenience and disrespect? Breaking federal law is a bit  more than that.  Waving your hand to imperiously dismiss me? Well, that’s just rude.

But being creepy is now just the overwhelming sensation I get when I think about M&Ms. And man I was creeped out by Willy Wonka when I was a kid. Each year at Easter, we would gather at my Aunt Sue’s house and this was inevitably on … I hated it! I could barely bring myself to read the book until I realized it was much different. And Gene Wilder never grew on me either.

This is why …


OMG. I tried to listen to this video all of the way through before I posted, but I started to twitch. I hate this rendition so please please please don’t give me two full years of it. Well, two and a half with the special election I guess.

First, M&Ms, you did intend disrespect with your little hand wave. I know what it means when an older white haired man in a suit in Manchester does that when an uppity lesbian confronts him about wrong doing. I also know what it meant when you deflected my question to the ACDC committeeman sitting in his SUV. It took you a minute to realize that the white middle aged woman standing in front of you was NOT part of the old school club, didn’t it?

Second, I don’t give a damn if you owned property on the Northside. What does that even mean – they you USED to be invested over here? Did you rent? Did you own a business?  If owning property was a reason to trust someone, the Northside would be a much better place for so many working families to live. Alas …

Third, you’ll be willing to assist me? WILLING? That’s your job, M&Ms. You don’t have a choice. You certainly don’t win any points for being subtle with this reassurance that you’ll do your job.

Finally, how do you know I celebrate Easter? You don’t. You just assumed. And that’s not cool. If you actually knew me, you would realize that I appreciate cultural sensitivity – not generic patronizing statements.

Basically, this sucks as an apology. Because it was not meant to actually establish rapport with me, it was meant to go through the motions of apologizing because I bitched up a lot of trees over the weekend.  But that didn’t work. The only thing I’ve got going for me now is a written promise to meet all of my constituent needs. Which is unethical to imply – forgiveness for constituent favors.

M&Ms,  I have the unsinking feeling that we are going to be stuck with each other for 2 years. I had promised to go gently into the good night, but I think Dylan Thomas has the right idea. Or maybe The Hunger Games made me realize that nicely coiffed white guys in suits with SUVs aren’t the way to go for Manchester.

Either way, I don’t accept your apology. I want you to take responsibility for breaking federal law. Which you won’t. So its a stalemate.

“Who can take a rainbow, soak it in a sigh … “


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