It has been a long month. I could go on and on with the dramas, both large and small that have pervaded Lesbian Central. Let's just say the highlight of the week was losing (and finding) my cell phone at the Waterfront and losing (and finding) our chihuaha in our back alley.
Amidst the intensity and up and downs and blog posts and all that, one thing has been sad … I lost a friend. It matters not who or how, but simply that it is what it is. Losing a friendship is a weird combination of heartwrench and zen. Your mind is filled with a thousand little moments you want to share and another thousand moments remember that you can't or you won't or you just shouldn't. You prepare yourself for the inevitable real life contact and feel confident that you can muster up the courtesy and human decency to be amicable, but you realize that you just aren't quite sure what the other person has in mind. A thought that would not have crossed your mind before the friendship ended.
Faith, I guess is a casualty of being let down when you are most vulnerable.
On a related note, my faith in another friend has grown in leaps and bounds because of unexpected rallying to my side when she was let down and I tried to help. It isn't nearly the same kind of friendship, but it certainly does give oomph to the door closes/window opens way of looking at the world. I don't think I buy it, but it is nice to have a little bounce.
I expect the worst and foolishly still hope for a gesture of kindness. A gesture to show that I'm not cast aside like a wad of wrapping paper ripped from a shiny new toy. But it certainly happens. I don't stack up so well against a Red Rider Rifle (or whatever it is called) or a gift card. Do people wrap gift cards or is that just a lesbian thing?
I'll think of my former friend tomorrow. I'll raise my glass to their holiday which I'm sure will be joyful. Then I'll just not think about it again. Or I'll try.
Maybe I should have saved this post for New Year's Eve?
Well, Merry Christmas, to my lost friend. I genuinely hope all your wishes come true.
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