When Lesbians Don’t Weep

Early Saturday morning, my friend of 23 years died.  He was 41 years old.  I received the call Saturday and I cried all the way home from the training I was co-facilitating.  Note: co-facilitators come in handy when your friends die. 

Out of the past four days, I've cried about three hours give or take.  I didn't cry when I saw his family.  I didn't cry at the funeral home.  I didn't cry at the funeral itself.  I didn't even cry the two nights I spent alone in his house taking care of his beloved pets.  I didn't cry when I was packing up some of his pet supplies to send them down to his mother's house.  I didn't cry when his mother realized we bought dog food instead of flowers. 

23 years would seem to warrant a few more tears.  Instead, I'm hoping his mother might let me adopt one of his dogs with whom I fell in love this weekend.  I'm also hoping I'm not going to have a breakdown and burst into tears this week in the midst of a meeting or teaching or an interview. 

This is a grief I've never known.  I have lost older relatives and acquaintances of my age.  I've been filled with anger over needless, senseless death and murder.  But I've never lost someone with whom I have shared so many years, so many important pieces of my life. As I sat in his livingroom trying to comfort his poor confused animals, a tape of 23 years kept playing in my mind.  I can't imagine walking through this world without this dear, talented, and amazing man. 

And I'm still not crying.


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  • Sue, I'm so sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer except that everyone grieves in her own way, and there's no right or wrong. Cry when you feel it, and just try to get by the rest of the time. I know it seems impossible to fathom right now, but time helps and heals.
    It's amazing and shocking and stunning to realize that even though there are so, so many humans on earth, what an enormous hole one can make when they've been a big part of your life, and when you miss them terribly and have to accept that they're gone.
    He sounds like a wonderful person, and I'm sure he was since you held him in such high regard.
    You and his family (and his furry family) are in my thoughts.

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