Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

Well, sparkle season is here and I’m still stuck in this in-between stage as my lawsuits play out. I share my home with someone I used to well, know. Not any longer. I miss the most mundane things – watching the news together, trying new restaurants, making waffles, eating her lemon chicken recipe. It hurts deeply.

Also hurting deeply is the very real prospect that I could end up homeless without my cats and no way of pulling myself out of that poverty. Ever.

Still, sparkle season. I’ve been finding the decorations as we’ve cleaned the basement and attic. They make me feel festive. I used to collect stockings so I have a bunch of those. You remember my great-grandparents Christmas village house.

I (try to) choose joy this season. To build new traditions, while I wait for my future to manifest. Unfortunately joy and manifesting require money, I can’t spare money because … lawsuits.

These are some things you might have extra around the house that you can pass along to me. I will take good care of them and when appropriate, pass along to others.

• Artificial prelit Christmas tree. Some furniture rearranging means the regular tree spot is not available. So I’m hoping to find a gently used tree that’s thin, maybe not so tall. The only caveat is it has to be cat friendly so no tinsel, no artificial snow. Pink, white, retro, steampunk, it is all good. Small is key, like 3-5 feet.

• Nativity scenes, even partials. I love these

• Solar light strings for the pet food pantry distribution center and Fort Faulsey. Any solar holiday decor. Cats surely celebrate all the winter holidays. And just every day.

• Christmas village houses or putz houses

• Winter holiday place mats

• Christmas cookies and hot chocolate bombs (ok, those are not likely to be lying around the house, but still worth adding to the list …)

When I was growing up, my parents decorated – tree, lights all over the outside, angel figures, garland, etc. During my college years, that became just a tree. And eventually just nothing. Their holiday world shrank to eating breakfast at Denny’s and maybe going to visit a family member for dinner. No church, no carols, no driving around to see the lights. No joy or delight in the season.

That happened in our home, too. We used to decorate, not lavishly but together and enjoy the festive. We had rituals – Handmade Arcade, I Made It! for the Holidays, driving around to see the lights, Rockefeller Center tree lighting special on TV, Kennedy Center Honors, and more.

Slowly those things fell away. I stopped participating in the decorating except for the tree lights because I was terrified my hand tremors would lead to breakage. That fear paralyzed me and grew to the point that I couldn’t imagine myself even carrying ornament boxes down from the attic. That was anxiety and it was debilitating. Devastating, even.

Now, I manage my anxiety most of the time so I can approach new traditions or revisit old ones. I can watch the shows on tv. I already have some holiday plans.

It will never be the same.