The Tough Times

I’ve been having a hard time of late. There are some serious issues associated with my childhood and my still-living relatives that have surfaced and are somewhat torturing me. I have bad dreams, I feel pretty sad and I don’t feel like there’s any resolution to be had.

Tough times.

I’m not sleeping well so I’m irritable and anxious. I can’t easily talk about the real problems with most people so I end up being fixated on the small stuff. I sweat the small stuff because the big stuff is ripping my soul apart.

Today, a friend said this to me “But, I hope you have someone other than Laura to talk to.” She was respecting the fact that I didn’t want to talk about it, but acknowledging that most of us need someone to talk with beyond our intimate partner.

Yes, I have a therapist so that’s a support. But in the spirit of talking to people about it a bit – people whom I love and trust – I brought up the fact that I needed to talk to three different people today. All three changed the subject. Or stopped responding to me, for eight hours, with no explanation.

Ouch.

It is okay to tell someone that you can’t listen to them or that you aren’t able to be present for them. But you should actually say that, not just avoid the conversation. That just reinforces all of the negative thoughts in our heads about how little we matter and how awful this ‘thing’ is that we need to discuss. If you don’t know what to say, say that.

But walking away for eight hours and pretending the conversation wasn’t initiated is … cruel?

Fortunately for me, I have more than three friends so I was able to have a solid conversation about where I am right now and get through the moment. I have tools and skills and supports outside of people who can’t or won’t talk about the hard things.

And now I have new information about whom I can really count on to walk my journey. I still love my friends, but I’m not so sure I trust them to be emotionally honest with me. And there’s sadness around that reality.