The Worst Breakup Story

Tell us your best worst breakup story. 

I suppose the *worst* story was the time I was dumped on my birthday in a Red Lobster. How undignified. Cheddar Bay Biscuits never tasted the same afterwards.

I don’t really have many interesting stories to tell. I do have several amusing disastrous Internet dating stories

  • Calamine Lotion Man showed up for a blind date covered head to toe in pink calamine lotion. He had caught poison ivy while doing yard work for his mother (laudable) but didn’t want to break our date. Wrong choice. Then he disclosed that he forgot his wallet. Uh oh. Fast forward 3 years, he calls me out of the blue to ask me if he can repay me for dinner and would I mind helping him figure out why he isn’t getting responses to his current online profile. I declined.
  • Rain Man. I had told him I was recovering from a nasty bout of bronchitis that had made me lose work hours and miss class. We went to a movie and as we left, it was pouring rain. He said “race you” and let me walk to the car knowing I was recovering from bronchitis. Then he turned on the AC full blast (it was mid-summer) as I sat there dripping and wanted to know if I’d like to go to Eat N Park for dessert. Um, no.
  • No Holidays Man. We went out a few times and it was perfectly pleasant if not “wow” – he mentioned casually that he usually broke up with women before major holidays so he didn’t have to buy them gifts. I noted to myself that Valentine’s Day was approaching. Sure enough, on February 11, he “ended things” (it wasn’t really a thing, just a few dates.) I responded by reminding him of his precedent – we both laughed and remained friends.
  • Double Dipper. My friend set me up with a woman. We met for dinner and ordered an appetizer – I think it was cheese sticks. Anyway, she proceeded to double-dip so I didn’t eat any of them. When she wanted to split the bill, I told her she could pay for the appetizer since she ate it. Somehow I got dragged to the mall to look around and was appalled to watch her berate a clerk in a candy shop for not having the exact item she wanted. I left. She contacted me a few weeks later to tell me I was rude about the appetizer and she had decided to marry a nice Jewish boy her parents found for her. Okay. I should have left after the appetizer.

The most pathetic and sad little story was in 9th grade. I had a huge crush on Jimmy Merisko. He came up to me at the school dance -Madonna’s “Crazy for You” was playing. I was so excited as he took my hand and said “Would you like to dance with me?” I probably just nodded. And he said “That’s too bad because I don’t want to dance with you.” And walked away.

Ouch. To his credit, several years later he did apologize. I think he wanted me to help him with his homework.

And I have to give a big shout out to my long-time friend Tami who ended her evening early to call her mom to take us both home and comforted me all evening. Because 9th grade? Yeah, that was pretty rough. Not a break up but definitely the worst moment of rejection and one I still think about if I hear that song. Now I shake my head, but boy 9th grade Susie was absolutely crushed.

I made out better in the long run because obviously – Ledcat! – but also I’m still friends with Tami.

 

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