Mad As a Hatter

The Prompt: Tell us about a time when you flew into a rage. What is it that made you so incredibly angry?

I’ve written about my struggle with accepting that life isn’t fair. I’m not sure how I would define a rage versus just a general bout of talking loudly to blow off steam about something, but it typically involves unclear expectations. And I usually rage against myself rather than the world for my foolishness and naive trust. Each and every time they prove to be bad decisions, I beat myself up about it for having hoped that life might be fair sometimes.

So the worst rage takes place in my head as I process a disappointment. And I usually just go to bed because I don’t know how else to stop it before I have an anxiety attack.

Why do I get angry? Because I want to believe in someone. And life isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that kids are homeless while racist bigots are millionaires.It isn’t fair that my high school French teacher dangled a student out of the window and was back in the classroom the next day. It isn’t fair that people face war, famine, disaster, disease and so many other things that we could actually reduce or even prevent if we cared. It isn’t fair that I have a disability. It isn’t fair that people are inconsistent and hard to predict and biased.

I know that life is not fair. I try to work around that constraint to have a positive impact. But sometimes …it is just such a gut punch that it’s hard to roll with it.

I grew up surrounded by adults who looked the other way. That was how things were – people didn’t intervene or get involved. People maybe helped surreptitiously. It is like they didn’t notice so I began to question is my perception of my own reality was even valid. Maybe *I* was the one who was wrong?

That’s something that makes me angry now – when people tell me I’m not interpreting my own reality correctly. But they are usually the ones who prove me right because they just back away and don’t intervene, don’t look something directly in the eye, pretend it is all okay. People are so busy and I assume they are busy running from their own demons.

This is one of my favorite television shows “Roseanne” which I watched religiously. In this episode, Roseanne goes to talk with David’s mother about him and discovers what’s really going on with his home life. This moment endeared me to Roseanne’s character and the actor forever.

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