Fishermen, Inc. makes figurines of Jesus participating in very butch activities like playing football, riding bulls, and engaging in the rawest, most manly, and sacred capitalist endeavor, working for food. These little statues are exactly what Our Lord needs to convince us that he's as heterosexual as the Pope or your average mega-church pastor–I mean who ever heard of a homosexual cowboy or football player?).
I'm picturing a petition-carrying Jesus figurine to cover the former and Our Savior fitting a ball gag on a sailor to take care of the latter. I suppose a shout out to the Illinois Family Institute's Peter LaBarbera would also be useful, maybe a leather-and-nipple-chain-clad Jesus going undercover to document the atrocities at a pride event. I don't think there's anything that gives a man more hetero cred than being a secret agent in the war against sodomy. It sure works for Mr. LaBarbera.
I'm not sure football Jesus is wearing the appropriate head gear and might in fact be a poor role model for small children. Unless repeated concussions make you more malleable? Hmmm.