Merle Jantz of Pleasant Hills had me going for two sentences.

It is with an overwhelming sense of alarm that I read that the Upper St. Clair school body is to perform "The Importance of Being Earnest." ["Wilde's 'Earnest' Brings Smiles," South, Oct. 26.]

Do they not know that this play was written by a convicted homosexual?

Oh no, I groaned.  Another homophobe takes the self-righteous high road.

But I was wrong. 

Are they not in the least concerned that, by allowing this play to be performed in front of impressionable young minds, they run the risk of turning the entire high school into Sodomites? Which will, in turn, as Sen. [Rick] Santorum has taught us, force men to have sex with dogs.

I am uncertain how far this ripple effect extends, but I live in Pleasant Hills and do not want to take any chances.

Dr. [Daniel] Iracki, Ms. [Carol] Coliani, all the rest of the Thought Police deputies, please, do your duty and stop this play from happening before I do something inappropriate to my neighbor's beagle.

His fate is squarely in your hands.

Merle hits all the high notes --- doggie sex, thought police, references to Sodom, and even the word "duty."  But what can you expect from USC -- land that killed the International Baccalaureate Program and then let the state bail it out while other school districts lack proper books and student/teach ratios.  Those are some good family values, huh? 

Merle, homosexuals throughout the land salute you.