Pgh Lesbian Correspondents

Tuesday, January 8, 2013
If you could be given the option to never sleep and also never be tired, would you take it if it meant you’d also never dream again?

Well, no I would not. First, I believe sleep is about far more than simply not being tired – it is when my body kicks into self-assessment mode to get the chemicals straightened out and the data processed and the symptoms in check and so much more.

As for dreams, well, that’s an interesting issue. I don’t want to give up dreams.

Actually, its not an interesting question. This is a pretty banal prompt so I’m going to go my own direction today. The larger issue is – how do we find the time to do it all and the even larger issue is – why should we?

I don’t have enough hours in the day, that’s for sure. I’m recovering from a serious illness (and some minor ailments along the way) and adjusting to life as a woman with a disability. I volunteer, I edit and write this blog, I contribute to others, I like to stay abreast so I consume mountains of media each day, I have my wonderful family life with my partner – our critters, our friends, our families, I have chores and obligations. I have social activities (and needs.) I have to coupon. I have to return books to the library. I have to plan meetings so folks with kids can attend. I don’t have kids, but I have to plan for kids’ needs because its a village. I embrace all of this, but there’s not enough time.

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We can easily (me and Ledcat that is) find ourselves going 2 or 3 weeks with limited social interaction. Sure, we’ll go out to dinner and then come home to watch Netflix which is great. But its not the same as making it a priority to spend time with people we value. And we both suffer for that.

I have no problem letting the house work go (oh my) but then get overwhelmed trying to catch up. So I have to spend an enormous amount of energy planning to avoid this. It is very very very hard when you are dealing with cognitive constraints. And then there’s the emotional drain of accepting that you aren’t cognitively where you were ten years ago. That sucks, in many ways.

I can also work myself into a frenzy during the day and find myself exhausted and asleep when Ledcat gets home – depriving us of time together.

So, I would not give up sleep because I would replace it with more chaotic pursuits. I can’t have it all and simply slotting in 6-8 more hours a day isn’t going to change the societal expectations of me. Or my expectations of myself. That’s a dream worth letting go.