Tag Archives: Pam Spaulding

FMLA for the LGBTQ Community

2013 is the twentieth anniversary of the Family Medical Leave Act. Having had to use this leave one time, I am very grateful it exists. However, many people do not realize the limitations of the Act.

From the HRC

Because federal law does not recognize same-sex relationships, the FMLA does not require employers to provide an employee leave to care for a same-sex partner or spouse.

I knew this. It is another very complicated matter because individual employers can opt to expand the protections (as can states.) But I was prompted to write about it today because I am sick and texting with my partner who is at work. She can’t come home (I’m not that sick) because she has a work appointment. Now that’s not such a big deal because she can use her paid time off to care for me should that be necessary. And over the years, she has taken days off here and there to either stay with me when I’ve been sick or accompany me to appointments – you know, like partners do.

Like partners do.

But it grazes my mind that she wouldn’t be able to take FMLA should her PTO run out. It is one of those “consequences of being second class” that occur to you randomly. I have the prospect of a routine surgery on the horizon. And she’ll be able to take time off to be with me that day and take me to follow up appointments, etc.

But what if? What if I were facing a lengthy recovery time and unable to be home alone? We’d be screwed. Ironically, my father would be eligible to take off from his work to care for me – his 42 year old daughter who doesn’t live at home.

Blogger and activist Pam Spaulding has been very public about the impact of this constraint on her health.

FMLA turns 20 today. And I’m one of those beneficiaries of it as we speak. I’m on unpaid leave, but a big hole in FMLA is that Kate cannot take FMLA leave to care for me post-surgery. From the post: “It doesn’t cover care for a grandparent, same-sex partner, or many others. Workers are not eligible to use FMLA leave to care for “parents-in-law, grandparents, grandchildren, siblings, domestic partners, or same-sex spouses,” ignoring the reality of today’s families.” Also, 2 in 5 workers are not eligible for its protections (small businesses are exempt), and, of course, most of us cannot afford to take the 12 weeks of unpaid leave FMLA grants.

Pam’s wife Kate is not eligible to use FMLA to care for Pam during her recovery. Ironically, Pam’s employer (Duke University) does opt to extend coverage to same sex partners, so Pam could use her FMLA to care for Kate. I’m sure that must be very difficult for them.

FMLA is a step in the right direction to strengthen families, but we haven’t taken enough next steps. I understand it creates a burden for employers – but so does having employees struggling with these challenges while juggling work as does the cumulative effect of losing employees altogether when there is no option. And it takes a toll on society – a lack of care in the aftermath of an illness or injury can lead to higher medical expenses, impact education for the family’s children, create a need for public welfare programs, etc.

Fortunately, today is not a day that requires a trip home for Ledcat. I have access to ginger ale, soup, tissue and a comfy bed. I’m set. I’m grateful. And a little angry that I have to think about this stuff.

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I Remember The First Time He Hit Me

When I asked Pam Spaulding to promote today’s cyber vigil, she did so and commented “These stories need to be told …” I agree. And I am hoping some of the bloggers will share their stories. Because they bind us.

The first time he hit me, it was a slap across the face. He was drunk, I was angry He was 33 and and I was 22. We were standing in the living room of his apartment. He had been drinking forever and I had been forgiving drinking forever.

I felt nothing beyond surprise, I guess. Men hit women. I saw this my entire childhood. Not just at home. In the neighborhood. “Mary’s” dad beat the crap out of her mom on a regular basis and everyone knew. So did “Jerry’s” dad. “Alice’s” mom complained incessantly and occasionally her husband smacker her. We all thought she deserved it because she was pretty mean. And so on …

Our neighborhood was filled with smacks, slaps, screams, silent treatments, stares, and a lot of other stuff. It was normal. The police never came. Why would they?

So to find myself 12 year later being slapped because I said something – what? I don’t remember – didn’t surprise me. Of course, I forgave him. He was sorry. That’s what women did. Right? It didn’t stop. The dysfunctional dynamic of our relationship was a two-way street, but the unavoidable facts were his alcoholism, his physical strength and my need to be loved.

As I grew older, I learned more about the complicated dynamics that create abusive relationships – dynamics that transcend values like ‘don’t hit women.’ I worked in a domestic violence shelter for a few years in graduate school. Every job I’ve held since then has brought me into close contact with women in abusive relationships. And not alway the clients – my coworkers, my bosses, my sales reps, the stories just sort of emerged. I worked in the foster care system for three years and perhaps that finally shocked me – I was face to face with the worst outcomes (and still buffered because I was not a case worker.)

But I was still helpless.

Institutions have a responsibility to protect people. Whether that’s fair business practices or checking on the welfare of a 911 call, we have every right to expect that. I don’t know what the answers are – but I’m glad Action UNITED is crafting regulations for the police when responding to domestic calls. Someone has to get that ball rolling.

Ka’Sandra Wade. This past week, I’ve check a thousand times to make sure I’ve spelled her name correctly. I conflate her with Kassandra Perkins – the woman murdered by her ex (and father of her son) last year. Kassandra’s name was lost in the media coverage because her murderer was a pro-football player. Somehow, I hope, Ka’Sandra and Kassandra don’t mind if people might mix up their names because their stories – together – might help us forget the names of men who commit murder.

Trying to end an abusive relationship is so hard. Because 20 years later, I still wonder … what did I do wrong?

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NetRoots Nation 2012 – Reporting From The LGBT Pre-Conference

Greetings from Providence. It is somewhat chilly here, but what a beautiful town. We are near the capitol building in a fancy, schmancy hotel with a great view and no vending machines (i know, i know.) After a 15 hour travel saga that was mostly uneventful thanks to Megabus, we made it here and spent ten hours today in the official LGBT Pre-Conference.

Over 100 leaders from the LGBTQ community turned out. Computer cables were everywhere – I brought a power strip so I quickly was adopted by Joe Jervis, Todd Heywood and company. Joe blogs at JoeMyGod.com (highly suggest you check it out) and Todd is actively involved in tracking HIV policies (we had a good chat about the Corbett budget.) Its my kind of conference where I can tune in and out and no one admonishes me for using my laptop or my phone. Or both.

Both? Well, yes … twitter was very much part of the dialogue today. There’s a twitter list of attendees as well as the hashtag #nn12lgbt so I had both my phone and laptop open to track those lists and the multitude of replies to my own tweets. Plus, I hit the top of the pile on Early Returns so my blog traffic picked up a bit today. THEN there was breaking news involving Miss Pennsylvania. You can see how my multitasking skills were put to use. And why I’m exhausted!

I was asked to participate in the morning’s opening session which was a table discussion of how we blog and why do it. I talked about the Pirates “It Gets Better” video and the response for a local LGBTQA youth filmed right at the stadium that night. Because she was rejecting the message, it might seem my advocacy was invalidated – but not so. Her advocacy was a little twist on the Hegel thesis-antithesis-synthesis.

Highlights from the day

Pam Spaulding of Pam’s House Blend spoke about building her audience. Lots of good practical tips. Pam is so honest about the toll blogging has taken on her health – I admire what’s she accomplished, but I admire more that she continues to live so authentically by sharing her health challenges and the erosion of some of her physical abilities in a way that illustrates her advocacy skills.

Meeting several “opposition research” professionals – I had no idea how prolific they are, but I’m now on their lists for anything PA related. It was actually poignant how they all said that we need to write about the hate they spew so when folks google for them, our pages will come up with facts. We need to showcase their inaccurate research.

Blogging and posting on social media 7 days a week will increase your reach by 18% compared to those who do these things 5 days a week. I’m pretty successful with this on Facebook and Twitter, but I’ve slacked on the blog.

Much division on marriage equality. Few argue its a good thing, but strategically and tactically — big gulf. Finding a way to bridge the issues and energize allies to advocate for ENDA as well as marriage equality as well as funding our eternal defense against “marriage amendments” are huge challenges that could not be resolved today.

A panel on immigration was very insightful especially the unabashedly undocumented queer folks who spoke out. This is a topic I’m going to explore in more detail – one of the presenters said we tend to define queer immigration issues as American married to European and gloss over the serious issues of undocumented workers and queer persons from other cultures for whom marriage is neither an option nor a solution.

Finally, a great session on health. It was difficult to hone in on “the” most serious issue because every subcommunity has unique issues – be it the increasing cases of HIV or low rates of lesbian gynecological care or informed trans health care – still someone did nicely summarize that extending health care to our entire community should in and of itself be a priority. I was also please that someone brought up the nasty issue of smoking and its impact on the LGBTQ folks.

A busy, busy day. I met up with folks that I’ve worked with long distance – Bilerico bloggers, Change.org and others who helped with the Pirates video and some of the great folks at GLAAD who are engaging more Pittsburgh media types. There’s energy around organizing LGBTQ youth which is exciting. Also, met a great blogger from Seattle who is concerned about hunger justice (first time I’ve heard that phrase) so that caught me up in another part of my identity.

Other plans this week include a stint staffing the LGBTQ table in the exhibit hall (swag! tote bags!) as well as a session on a PA Caucus, twitter, more LGBT sessions and a panel on transit as a social justice issue. I’m also looking forward to the keynote speeches from Elizabeth Warren and Paul Krugman. Plus, there’s a party every night. I’m not much of a partier, but hopefully we’ll enjoy some good seafood and perhaps see a few sights.

It is pretty exciting to be here and I’m looking forward to seeing what tomorrow brings. And who!

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North Carolina is Winnable – And We Think You Need to Support Them

In case you are not aware, North Carolina residents are set to vote on a constitutional amendment that would define marriage and deny marriage equality. It is called Amendment One.

This week, progressive bloggers across the nation are shining attention on this battle and encouraging folks to financially support the cause so we can get our messages on the airwaves will they will reach the most people. The data shows that most people don’t want to embed discrimination into their constitution. But the other side is better funded. Still this is winnable. And it would be a tremendous victory to fight back the amendment at the ballot box.

From Pam’s House Blend

Today the Coalition to Protect All NC Families launches a week-long moneybomb to get over the $1,000,000 mark. Activists around the country — and the blogosphere — are stepping up this week to spread the word that North Carolina’s battle to defeat the bigotry of Amendment One is winnable — and this is the week to pitch in to reach a fundraising milestone.

Pam is a North Caroline resident. She and her family donated $1,000 which is a very huge sacrifice and commitment to equality. Other bloggers have joined her because Pam has always been there when we’ve needed her to stand up for our equality, our battles, our rights.

It is important to note that this amendment will bar the recognition of civil unions and domestic partnerships. If your family relies on a domestic partnership to access health insurance and other family benefits, that would no longer be an option. My family relies on this recognition from the City of Pittsburgh.

Protect All NC Families has raised nearly $1 million. You can help – whether you live in NC or ND or PA – by donating through ActBlue.

Why does this matter to those of us in Pennsylvania?

Raising $1,000,000 will send a message to everyone in North Carolina and across the country that we are in this campaign to win. We’re not aiming for a symbolic victory; we intend to send this amendment down in defeat and protect all families of North Carolina.

For the past six years that I’ve been blogging, Pennsylvania has faced year after year of proposed constitutional amendments. The State House actually approved one version which, thankfully, did not pass the Senate. The issue has been pretty much contained to the committee for the past several sessions, but we cannot assume anything. A significant change in the Pennsylvania political power lines may mean dire things for us in the coming years.

A win in North Carolina is a win for us. It is a reminder that public attitudes are changing. People reject hate and bigotry being enshrined in the hallmark of their state freedoms and liberties. This blog post lays out the multitude of supporters across the nation that are rising up to defend North Carolina from bigotry.

Including President Obama.

“While the president does not weigh in on every single ballot measure in every state, the record is clear that the President has long opposed divisive and discriminatory efforts to deny rights and benefits to same sex couples,” said Cameron French, his North Carolina campaign spokesman.

“That’s what the North Carolina ballot initiative would do – it would single out and discriminate against committed gay and lesbian couples – and that’s why the President does not support it.”

I ask you to donate to North Carolina because it *is* a stand for Pennsylvania. Defeating Amendment One in North Carolina will be a tremendous blow to future attempts to introduce similar ballot initiatives in Pennsylvania.

This is how you can help:

Contact anyone you know who actually lives in North Carolina and ask them to make a small financial donation and to speak out against the Amendment. The more voices within the state that speak out, the better.
Please make a donation yourself. Every dollar matters to get the message out across the state.
Use social media to share your message and encourage others to do the same.

Sample Tweets

Stand with @protectNC to defeat #amendment1 in #NC – #firstinfight moneybomb https://secure.actblue.com/page/ncmoneybomb

.@protectnc coalition stands a real shot to defeat anti-LGBT #amendment1. Support #firstinfight #nc moneybomb https://secure.actblue.com/page/ncmoneybomb

Please know that North Carolina is our battle. Your $10 can make a tremendous impact. Making time to reach out to your cousin, college roommate and others who are North Carolina residents can make an impact – if they know you and love you, surely they will make a few moments to stand up to bigotry in their own state.

I don’t have much of a rainy day fund myself. I am also struggling with health issues and I am volunteering to run a full-time project. But I have met Pam and I have followed her detailed coverage of this issue for a long time. Her commitment and her passion touch me and I simply want her family to be valued, not attacked.

If you don’t read her blog, you should. Yes, Pam writes about equality and LGBT issues, but she’s also very much a lover of pit bulls and her coverage on racism and feminism are top notch. Support Pam and Kate, their family and their neighbors.

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