If you could be completely honest with no regrets, what would you say and to whom?
I would ask all of the adults in my family why they protected a child molesting rapist, but didn’t protect the kids. All of us.
Actually, I would never ask that question because I’m unwilling to be the instigator of their fatal heart attacks. I would feel regret about that outcome because even growing up with a monster in our midst, I have a soul and a conscience. And I don’t really want to hear justifications or rationalizations. I know what I do want to hear – them owning the truth and apologizing.
That’s not going to happen. I broke seventeen cardinal rules of dysfunctional families by simply acknowledging that an adult in my family was a child molesting rapist. If my family read this blog, I’d be removed from several Christmas card lists and not invited to the next family wedding.
So, take two.
I would do the following
- Go to all of the people who ever hurt Ledcat’s feelings and repeatedly kick them in the shin while listing all of her awesome accomplishments. While waving her law degree, a photo of our pretty blue house and pension plan in the air. Fuck them, she built a good life.
- Tell the first woman I crushed on exactly how I felt (at that time) and how much I learned about myself because of our relationship.
- Ask my college mentor why he stopped communicating with me after I came out to him. That was incredibly hurtful.
That’s probably good. The shin kicking thing might land me in front of the magistrate on assault charges so let’s say that’s a metaphor for lots of big words and emphatic gestures.